For some years now there has been a lot of writing and talking about emotional intelligence. But what is it, how can we act with “emotional intelligence” in our daily lives, how can we develop it?
By Vilma Perren
There is no doubt that being in touch with our emotions is essential for a healthy emotional life, but we have learned very little about how to recognize, validate, and manage them.
And this triad of recognition, validation, and management are the pillars of emotional intelligence.
We have been taught that we should not feel certain emotions, that it is ‘wrong’ to feel them, and that they are ‘bad’, and this is a huge barrier to developing our emotional intelligence.
In truth, there are no “bad emotions”, what is bad is denying them, suppressing them, or expressing them without reflection.
The task that emotional intelligence sets us is to be able to feel anger without destroying, sadness without hurting ourselves, envy without hindering the achievements of others, euphoria without overpowering, and so on. ….
This is a task we will not be able to accomplish unless we first recognize them, then validate them (in other words, yes, I am feeling what I am feeling, without judging myself for it, whatever the emotion is), and then channel them (find a way to express or live them) appropriately, without violence or violence to ourselves.
All emotions are valid. They all come to show us something or to teach us something. They all allow us to know ourselves better.
Let’s stop being afraid of feeling “bad emotions”, we will become more authentic, and by recognizing them we will be able to give them the right course without harming or damaging ourselves.
Vilma Perren is a clinical psychologist-logotherapist. She is the founder of GARVA (Grupo de Asistencia y Recuperación de Vínculos Adictivos).
She coordinates groups and workshops on relationships and is the author of the book La sanación viene de Dentro (Healing Comes from Within).
