In general, when we talk about health, we tend to associate it basically with physical health. Having good health is a desire we all have for ourselves and for our loved ones.

By Lic. Vilma Perren

But we don’t usually think about other ambits, where it is also expected that we enjoy “good health”.

If we understand health as something integral: physical, social, emotional, relational, it is too small to think of it only as a biological issue.

And here we can begin to think about the following: do we tend to build healthy relationships; is the relationship I have with myself healthy?

The cultural bonding model, where we have grown up and learned to relate to each other, is impregnated with codependence. Understanding codependence as that form of bonding in which I have not learned to have myself taken into account. The external look prevails, the cultural and/or family mandates, what Hollywood movies and boleros have taught us, as we can see in the famous lyrics of “Toda una vida”:

Toda una vida,

I’d be with you

I don’t care in what form

Or where, or how, but with you

…

I wouldn’t tire of telling you always, but always, always,

that you are in my life, anxiety,

anguish and despair.

From this bonding model, possession is valued, jealousy “as evidence of love”, control, “anxiety, anguish and desperation”, as proof that the other person matters to me! as the bolero says…

I end up satelliting enough around the other person and I think that’s why I love them!!!!

And nothing is further from love, and bonding health than this way of relating to each other.

At the same time, if we don’t take ourselves into account if our life revolves around others (partner, children, friends, etc., any bond can be impregnated with codependence), what will I be able to offer?

I will always be waiting for the other person to complete, to make up for my lack of love, to offer me the care that I do not give to myself. I will be waiting for that “from another”, thus settling myself in an eternal emotional, psychological, and relational infancy.

So it is worth asking ourselves:

Do I take care of my bonds at the same time as I take care of myself in this relationship?

Am I emotionally responsible with others and with myself?

That is: do I hear and attend to my emotional, physical, psychological, and spiritual needs, or am I so “devoted” to that relationship (whatever it may be) that I forget about myself?

Good relational health begins by attending to the bond I have with myself because depending on how I treat myself, I will treat others…

Lic. Vilma Perren
Clinical Psychologist – Logotherapist
Founder of GARVA (Grupo de Asistencia y Recuperación de Vínculos Adictivos).
She coordinates groups and workshops on the subject of relationships.
Author of the book: La sanación viene de dentro (Healing comes from within).